Radio Silence.

I’ve had a lot on my mind.

I’m 3 months pregnant, unexpectedly (which sounds so naive whenever I say it, but it’s true). I also know this is an incredible blessing, the timing sucks but we’re very happy to add to our family. I’ve so many friends who struggle beyond reasonable struggle to have babies and here I am accidentally growing one. The world isn’t fair, I’m coming to peace with that.

What’s been eating at my mind is this: We aren’t fully covered by health insurance, and the public discharge times in Western Australia for a second baby is wild… 6 hrs. I’m terrified that birth will trigger the same hormone drops that led to my anxiety attacks in 2014 and I won’t have that round-the-clock support in those crazy few days.

Anxiety is no fun. This particular worry has been running races in my head the last couple of months. It’s only now that I sit down to write that I have clarity about what God is teaching me about the sword of the spirit…

Two weeks ago in church my pastor, Haydn, encouraged us that God had not designed us to look to the future in worry, but in wonder. What a word for my anxious heart! I felt God whisper to me that the sense of wonder, which was a hallmark of my life in my early twenties, was all but gone. Swallowed up in anxiety and he thinks it’s time for me to reclaim the wonder.

God whispered on:

“You don’t need anti-anxiety drugs first, you don’t need midwives first, you don’t need insurance first, you need me first. This time doesn’t have to be the same, it doesn’t have to be anxiety-filled, you can bring this to me and I can be your difference.”

Now, I am not saying that I don’t need birthing support, or medical support (I will) but what God was inviting me to engage in is to run to him first and allow him to fight for me. It’s almost like he’s saying; if you fear me, you have nothing to fear.

I look at this sword described in the letter to Ephesians and it could so easily be described as the “Sword of the Strong” or the “Sword of the Sane” or the “Sword of the Solo Samurai Soldier”…

But it’s the sword of the Spirit and herein lies the challenge for me. Will I allow God to be the one that fights for me and defend me? The only piece of armour mentioned in this passage that is designed to attack back is actually not anything to do with my power, it’s all to do with God’s power.

I’m praying that I have the courage to pick up my sword these next few months, turn my worries into prayers and allow God to fight for me.

These are my thoughts from Ephesians 6… A series inspired by a moment where I asked God to protect my heart, my family and my loved ones. In that moment, I strongly felt Him challenge me: “I’ve given you all the armour you need, but it’s useless in aon the ground. Pick it up. Put it on.”