A friend mentioned last week that breaking up is rarely talked about in Christian circles. They wondered if the fear/awkwardness of a break up was contributing to the lack of dating in their crew. I dunno if that’s a main reason, but it can’t hurt to talk about it, right? Like all matters of the heart, it’s better to be on the front foot and entering the fray, than guessing from the sidelines and never getting amongst it.

So let’s call it, breaking up SUCKS, no one wins but it does happen and you want to make it as least sucky as possible… So here’s my humble offering on how to do it well. From the gal who has been the breaker x2 and the breakee x2.

 

Tip #1 If you’re the instigator, you need to be able to articulate why you’re instigating the break up.

I know it’s hard and it requires balls, but it’s so vital. I’ve done this really well:

“No, we’re not dating anymore, because we haven’t talked in 3 weeks and you don’t want to talk when we do see each other, you just pester me to touch my boobs.” -13yo Clare

And I’ve done it REEALLLLY badly:

“I dunno, I don’t know why, I’m just not.. I dunno. Sorry.” -19yo Clare (actual reason, you’re immature and I’m not that physically attracted to you)

I’ve also been on the receiving end in both scenarios. The most I felt respected in the dating scene was (surprisingly) part of a break up. We hadn’t officially dated, but some stuff had clearly gone on, then it stopped suddenly (his decision, not mine). The guy came back to apologize for falling off face of the earth, but much later when we had both well moved on (we were both with our spouses!) but I felt valued and respected because of his gutsy decision to address what had happened and to be true about it. Do your best to give that gift to someone.

 

Tip #2 If you’re the instigator, remember the best in the person.

You’re relating to a fellow human being. That fact alone should command your respect of them. You don’t have to sugarcoat it, but you do need to be gentle and respectful of their heart. Be honest and honouring. Leave them with the impression that they are still an amazing person, just not the person you’re wanting to continue a relationship with. I’m not going lie, it’s a really tricky balance to acheive… but you need to try, because that person IS actually amazing and WILL make someone’s every day. Don’t send them into future relationships with more baggage than they can carry, especially if it’s actually your baggage that you’re trying to offload on them.

 

Tip #3 Don’t take it too personally.

Dating exists because ~THANKS BE TO GOD~ we don’t need to marry the first person we’re interested in. It sucks when you are more into them than they are… It’s an acute type of heartache, it can linger. I can’t offer professional advice on this one, only what I’ve learnt as someone who takes everything personally and has learned to reign in that urge. I used to tell myself… Sure, it would have been nice to be with him, but thank goodness he was honest about how he felt now. You don’t want to get deep into a relationship and be the only one giving. That sucks more than breaking up. Been there. Do not recommend.

Remember. You’re a damn fine human being, worthy of love and respect. Draw on your network of other relationships (friends, family, gym buddies, your relationship with cake/wine) and move on by moving through.

 

Tip #4 Be open to getting better.

Hearing why someone doesn’t want to be with you can be crushing, but you know that old saying that in every criticism is a kernel of truth? Hopefully they did a good job of talking to you about why they’re breaking up with you, but even if they didn’t… find the kernel of truth and own it.

You may need to sort through a whole bunch of bullshit to get some truth. I once had someone say that the reason for the break up was that other people had told him they thought it wouldn’t work (80% of his reason given) and that I only ever talked about church (20%). The more I talked to him about what that all meant, it became clearer that, actually, my calling to church was something he was both intimidated by and jealous of. He didn’t know what he wanted and didn’t know if he could support me to the level I needed. The lessons I took from that were two things: get other hobbies 🙂 and find someone who is called to the church as much as I am.

When I say “get better” it doesn’t necessarily mean self-improvement (it’s not always something wrong with you) it could be as simple as getting better at picking people to date.

 

Bonus Tip: Obviously, no one enjoys breaking up, so give yourself the best shot by getting to know someone well enough before you start dating them. You should be pretty good friends before you head into romance-land, you should know whether you have a lot in common, whether there is conversational chemistry there (not just flirting:), whether you are compatible in career (or are cool to compromise). You should have some proof of their character in your friendship, so you aren’t walking in blind.

I know that the next question is “but then it feels super risky to the friendship to start dating” well… yes. But if they’re worth the risk, they’re worth the risk, aren’t they? And if you do dating well, the friendship won’t be the same, but it will survive.