Heads up. There is a moment in this post where I get swear-y. I know, it’s not great, but it’s my foible and I’ll own it. Besides… I reckon birth is one of those times you get a hall pass to do whatever you need to do to get through. So if you didn’t swear in labour, that’s AMAZING, but if it offends you, stop reading and go shine your well-earned halo. I’ll post something else next week.

0100
Water breaks. Initial thought: “I’ve peed the bed.” Guess agaaaiiiin! We leave a cancellation message for the day spa where I was meant to go to tomorrow to get a massage : ( I wouldn’t get to enjoy that massage for another 5 months.

0130
I have a shower, wash my hair,  shave my legs and blow-dry my hair. Why not? Dog is very confused as to why we’re all awake. Zac calls the birthing unit to see whether we should go in.

0230
We go in because there is so. much. liquid. Zac is speeding on the freeway… even though I’m not having contractions and I’m not in pain.

0330
No contractions, but water has definitely broken. I’m 38w3d so that means we’re good to go and deliver the baby. Midwives set us up in a double bed to ‘get some rest’ overnight. Ha. Hahaha. Haha.

0730
Midwife walks in, grabs my belly and says, “Good morning! Let’s have a baby!” Spends rest of morning filling in charts and swapping war stories with the other midwife about weapons they kept under their pillows back in South Africa. Highlights include: a scalpel, a metal pipe, a gun.

0800
Syntocin starts through the IV.

0803
Contractions start and straight up guys, they’re every 3 minutes, lasting about 30 seconds. They feel like the worst period cramps, but starting at my ribs and moving down my abdomen like a wave – all the way to my thighs. Start breathing through them. Zac helps me with the breathing, but he’s also peaking out. Chill out, Zac, you’re making it worse. I need to stay calm. These are way intense.

1030
Contractions are still every 3 minutes, but are lasting longer – a 45 seconds to a minute each time. I labour on my left side. Not comfortable, but neither is fainting and I’ve fainted twice already this pregnancy. To keep my fluids up, the midwives administer IV fluids which they only refer to as “Jungle Juice”. HMM OK THEN.

Zac’s brother is picking up our keys so he can take care of our dog etc while we’re at the hospital. Zac calls him and asks why he hasn’t got to the hospital yet. The oaf really wanted to watch an NBA game and didn’t think that PERHAPS THAT COULD WAIT?

Pain. Only pain. I lose all sense of time passing.

Just as each contraction ends, I have one breath and the next one starts. They last about 90 seconds at this point. My midwife looks in my eyes, holds my clammy hands and tells me in her gorgeous South African accent, “You are stronnnnng woman, you can do this”

My mental response: “Please cease your strong-woman-power talk.”

Zac knows what I’m thinking, looks at me and says, “Listen to her.” So I do, because truly, it’s all I got to go on right now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Zac has mastered the breathing coach role. He’s calm, he’s consistent, he’s managing the room, allowing me to focus. Bloody champion.

Overhear my midwives utter the phrase to each other “just checked her, about 3cm, probably another 6 hours” and I wither inside. I cannot do this for another 6 hours. I look at Zac and ask for an epidural. He starts the conversation that we’d rehearsed “Ok, you said you didn’t want one unless you really need it, do you really…”

YES GODDAMMIT. IT REALLY WANT ONE. GET IT NOW. I AM DONE.

Anesthetist is next door. JESUS LIVES AND GOD IS REAL. I DON’T NEED TO WAIT TO GET MY SWEET DRUGS.

1120
Anesthetist walks in and is far too chipper to be in a labour room.

“Ho Ho Ho. How long have you been in labour then?”
“Since 1am” (no contractions but whatever.. it sounded more impressive)
“Well then, that’s long enough”
Internal voice: “I’ll tell how long is enough, you mother****er, stop ****ing DITHERING ABOUT and get me those ****ing DRUGS!”

Zac assures me that all that came out of my mouth is the word shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

Old mate WHISTLES (I wish I was joking) as he preps his kit. I’m hunched over, mentally murdering him as contractions come, one on top of the other. Pain pain unending pain. My eyes are starting to roll back in my head and I’m either blacking out or getting extreme tunnel vision.

Somehow, the epidural gets in. I struggle through the next 20 minutes while the drugs take effect.

1200
Bliss, the epidural is taking effect, the world is not such a bad place after all! The anesthetist is no longer a mother****er and is probably just a lovely man with a shocking sense of timing! The sharp pain is gone but a persistent pressure takes its place. I tell the midwife. She checks me again. I’m 10cm and ready to push. I’ve dilated 7cm in an hour. That would explain the pain. I was in transition. Probs shouldn’t have got that epi but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After all his talk about “staying up the head end” Zac is a champ. One midwife holds one leg up in the air and Zac holds the other. They’re giving me counter-pressure as I push.

The midwife tells me to stop wasting energy by screwing up my face as I push. Legit guys, that was super helpful advice and also an indication of how much of a whole-body experience birth is. Every. Muscle. Counts.

I pick up a mama-trait at this point… I lose my capacity to think, evidenced by my asking in-between pushes, “Is he really coming out today?” Zac says, “Yeah babe! I can see him!”

The midwife asks if Zac would like to touch Judah’s head, Zac asks if he’s allowed to? Midwife looks at him deadpan and says, “You’re his parent, you can do whatever you like.”

THIS IS THE TRIPPY-EST FREAKING EXPERIENCE. THERE IS A VISIBLE BABY-HUMAN AND WE ARE PARENTS. CRYING ETC.

We’re four pushes in. I won’t lie, it feels like you’re pushing out the biggest poop of your life. Same muscles involved, I guess. Some people say it’s like trying to get a watermelon through a keyhole, that does sound accurate. Ring of fire etc.

His head is out! Midwife asks me to hold off pushing. That’s like asking someone mid-vomit to just delay vomiting for a minute. It ain’t going to happen. Pushing is reverse vomiting. It’s involuntary, in my experience.

So I push. More burning sensations. Instant relief. etc.

And then…

1225
Judah is here. On my chest. He’s looking in my eyes. Gosh he looks like Zac. His eyes are dark grey, like slate. He cries that newborn cry that we all hope to hear. He has long fingernails. He’s looking right in my eyes. Zac tells me he has my feet. (!) Uh, thanks?

I tell Judah, “Hello! I love you! I’m your Mama!”

More crying from all involved, etc.

1300
I need stitches, grade 2 tear. Zac cuts the cord at some point, he says it’s like cutting calamari. Apparently I also deliver a placenta but I don’t see it because ***JUDAH***. I try not to think about the fact that a 60+yr old man is right up in my business with sharp things.

1500
My legs are finally strong enough to stand and I have one of the greatest showers of my life while my husband holds our baby. Tired and so, so blessed.

 

Judah Alexander Gageler

His name means “Praising God” and “Defending Men”

Born 9/6/14 in 5.5 hours, weighing 3.1kg